dreaming

When my stroke first happened I quit dreaming, which I guess was a result of my brain being in turmoil. I didn't realize what a loss that was until a nice women named Ann, who was 7 years out of her recovery from a similar stroke, asked me whether I was dreaming yet. The answer at that point was no. It was a good 6 months in recovery when I had my first dream.  Now I am happy to report that I dream regularly... mostly pleasantly. I had a dream the other night that I was teaching again and I was trying to explain to my students to have patience with me, it would go slowly, I had trouble finding the right words, but I was an "expert" in visual communication ... I had the slides to prove it ... but, I realized what a long semester it was going to be.  Then I woke up. 

getting back my groove

I want to get my groove back! I want more than anything to be alert, and fully sensually aware. I feel the fog of Depacote descend on me. It has made me stupid... like instantly... like a blonde or a Minnesotan... not that there's anything wrong with that. But, honest to God I feel like "thick as a brick" when I am taking this stuff.  

seizure

I had a seizure yesterday and ended up spending the night in the emergency room. That was the first one since I had the stroke. I was put back on Depokote and will have both an electocardiogram and a CAT scan today. I am sad that I have to take Depokote again. It makes me feel dull, thick,  and vague. I have been off it since November and felt great... like a human again. But I had a seizure again so not only can I not drive, I have to take this damn drug again. 

memory and attention

I have a pretty good memory. I can remember all of my life before my brain exploded. Which means I am fully aware of what I can no longer do. I do have a tendency since going through my stroke of "zoning out" sometimes when things go on around me. That doesn't bother me much, but I can tell it bothers the fast talkers in my life. It is not something I am fully aware of. It happens when I am trying to access language. It is still painfully hard to access language specifically word-finding. But, who needs words anyway? 

visual problem solving

There are some things that I can do as well as before my brain had the big hiccup. I still have my sense of humor, and by all accounts - according to Dr. Halter - I still have excellent skills in "visual problem solving." That was the highlight of my recent conversation with her. I don't know what I can do with that skill because my speech still impedes me and my right arm is still not working, but it is good to know I am still "excellent" at something.  Today the fact that so much of ME is no longer "excellent" is bugging me. Like getting a bad grade, or failing an important test, I find the reality of failure excruciating. I am such a product of higher education! 

my doctors

One of the advantages of meeting the many doctors trying to negotiate my care, they write up a lot of reports. I have reports from physical therapy telling me that I had plateaued, occupation therapy telling me that I have plateaued -- which is code for "they no longer can do anything more for me."  Speech therapy can't help access language any faster. I read voraciously, mostly about brain injuries and healing.  I'm trying to make a web site, I have a Facebook presence, I use Twitter, I use Skype to talk to my friends... I am beginning to feel like a geek again. I still get tired a lot. But, I am largely happy.  

So, I had a meeting with Dr. Halter who works with physical medicine and rehab. She coordinates all things connected with my brain and what I can do to optimize my life. Within the last few weeks I got various test from Dr. Dunaway, a neuropsychologist.  They tested the usual stuff - vocalulary, word finding, counting backwards from 100, puzzles of various kinds, etc. They tested memory - both long and short-term and attention span. My acuity at visual problem solving.

The good is I am doing well. The bad news is I have just about average "executive functioning skills." Meaning, in my case, I will never be a professor again. I knew that. So, that's not a shock. The only thing that bugs me is being called "average." I am not used to that - that is ego talking! And, I am sad because I would like to think that I am more evolved than that. 

in the meantime

I didn't mean to wait this long before updating my blog. Really. I'm delighted that I have readers that keep me on my feet. There's no excuse, really. I just did think. There seems to be a lot of that going around these days. What has happened since I last wrote? 

Natasha Richardson died from a freak brain injury. A friend was diagnosed with brain cancer. My friend Kay's boyfriend has something called "chronic ideopathic neuropathy" which is sapping his strength and he can barely walk. I am reminded once again how fragile this life really is.